Saturday, July 07, 2012

Summer Cookin'

Today finally feels like summer. It was in the 80s here, I wore shorts and flip flops all day long, and I passed a lemonade stand while driving. Plus, the air had the slightest hint of mowed grass and Elmer's glue sticks.

It was the perfect weather to sit on my back deck and brainstorm all of the reasons that I'm convinced my neighbors are cooking meth.

I have some really compelling evidence.

First, when I was in high school one of my friends (who has a little more drug knowledge than me) casually opened the lid of my neighbor's garbage can one day while we were walking to my house. He glanced in, chuckled, and said something about drugs. I don't know what he saw, and I don't know what drugs he was referring to, and I don't know what drug knowledge he really had, but this doesn't not support my thesis that they're cooking. (Double negative!)

Second, they are hoarders. Their whole yard looks like an untamed jungle, and I can see junk piled up in their windows. My most recent two Google searches suggest that hoarding and substance abuse might be linked. Also, my cousin's drug-busting husband says that it's common for meth cookers to be hoarders. Compelling!

Third, they have a huge white truck parked in their driveway that says "Mobile Wash" in large blue letters. But the truck almost never leaves the driveway. Breaking Bad has taught me that this must be both a traveling meth lab and a fake business through which they launder their meth money. It's the only explanation.

I suppose I should admit that my only meth knowledge comes from wikipedia and Breaking Bad.

As I become more and more convinced that they're cooking, I imagine elaborate sting operations to catch them in the act. Well, by "elaborate" I mostly mean brief, simple and ill-thought out plans. Like calling the number on the mobile wash truck and saying, "hey is this where I can buy some meth?" Or walking up to them while they're outside and saying, "you guys look like the type that could hook a girl up with some meth."

Unfortunately, neither of these plans would work because this childlike, wide-eyed sense of wonder has yet to really wear off
and, more importantly, I'm unfamiliar with the terminology. Do people still call it meth these days? Would a real user call it "glass"? Or "crystal"? Or "ice"? According to wiki these are all possibilities.

I just don't know.


Kim said...

I love everything about this post.

Lindsey Reynolds said...

Well I'm pretty sure you'd be able to smell it. We had a lady in our ward once whose husband cooked meth. She'd always come to our house. We started hiding when she knocked because she smelled so bad.

One day the police were driving down their street and were stopped by the aroma of meth cooking...

So, does your street reek?