Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Breathe

I feel like I need to take a deep breath. This semester I have this constant tightness in my chest whenever I think about my life. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I have no idea where I will end up next Fall. I'm incredibly attached to my life and friends here. I'm paralyzed by the thought of my letter of intent being inadequate, my writing sample being trite and childish, and completely failing the GRE. It is not the end of the world if I don't get into the masters program at BYU. But it kind of feels that way, doesn't it?

Last night, as my roommate confirmed, I was making incredibly weird noises in my sleep. Though Michelle couldn't recreate the sounds, she said she was startled by the noises and my tossing and turning. In my mind there was a man in our kitchen and I was trying to tell him to leave, but I couldn't speak! And then someone was shaking my bed—I was petrified—and I couldn't speak! So, sad attempts at sound came out as desparate mumbles and groans. That's what I get for going to bed at a ridiculous hour like 10:00 pm.

I went to see Matt Hopper tonight with my roommate (yes I hung out with Michelle perhaps for the first time). I had fun.

Everything is going to be fine.

4 comments:

Lil Renny said...

Kristin, I totally understand. Totally. Look at me, failing the LSAT and not dropping down dead. Everything WILL be just fine. And we will eat pumpkin this weekend to celebrate

Chelsea said...

I know you both might think I'm lying, but when I read this I could totally relate and felt sort of relieved to know that lots of people feel this way. I guess you two at least have some sort of plan or idea of what you want. Even if it changes or things go wrong, I wish I had that much. I sometimes think it's strange that people go to college when they are 18. Whose idea was that? I can't imagine doing it any other way, but seriously. 18 was too young for me to make any decisions about my future. And no one wants college to take forever, so you can't just change your major 4 times. I guess people do, but I don't know if I would have ever finished if I hadn't just picked a path and kept putting one foot in front of the other. Now, at the end, I think, "What if I had done something else?" "Why didn't I do something else??"

Kathryn said...

Kristin,
I know it will be hard for you to leave me when you go to grad school. I would be scared myself. Oh wait, I already left you, huh? Funny how that happens. Don't worry, you practiced today at work for the GRE and although you didn't finish so that you could see your score, I'm sure you did well. I'm just sure of it.

P.S. Stop dreaming of scary men in your house and scaring your roommate. Although a reenactment of your moaning and mutterings would be fun.

Lil Renny said...

The party is starting at 7, its basically lasting til whenever, so whenever you want to bring stuff, please do. I've considered having a pumpkin carving contest again... how do you feel about that? I don't want to buy a ton of pumpkins though... hmmm.
And yes its at my apt.