Record

My freshman year of high school, my best friend and I created friendship calendars. On them, we kept track of things like when we skipped school, when we were fighting, notable events at school like "science labs," sleepovers, etc. I don't remember what triggered this friendship recording, but we made multiple calendars and documented all sorts of details about our lives.

I have never been much of a journaler. Well, I guess that's not entirely true since I have a whole stack of journals that have sporadic entries spanning from 1991-2013. But I've never been able to really get behind journalling. It has never felt quite right. When I journal, I feel like I am someone else pretending to know what one is supposed to journal about. And it never actually gets at what is going on in my head. So to me, my journals are just amusing/horrifying records of points in time when I wrote down my thoughts in a format that mimicked what I thought journalling should be. Which is an interesting record all on its own. But it doesn't feel accurate.

But there's something about these friendship calendars that bring back so many crazy/strong memories by simply stating events that happened on specific days, without the accompanying feeling that these calendars are trying to be something that they're not. Just reading the line "Holly sister's with KC, Shari's, got ALL weird, Kristin walked home" on Wednesday, March 21, 2013, throws me back to McGillvary, wearing my backpack, trudging home from school after an early release day at school.

So recently, instead of feeling that little Young Women's pang of guilt for not journalling, I've started recording more information on my Google calendar. Things I did. Brief words that describe how I felt about something. Little changes like new employees at work. I know that journalling serves a lot of purposes, and only one of them is to actually record things that happened. But this weird little record somehow feels so much more full and true than anything I've ever tried to write out in paragraphs.

Here's a little taste of my calendaring skills. I hope Holly doesn't hate me for sharing this. I present to you, "Kristin and Holly 'friendship' calendar #3 (February)." We're talking February 2000 here, people. I'm pretty sure we intentionally put scare quotes around the word "friendship" to reflect the tumultuous nature of our friendship. We were awesome. And freshman in high school.

Scenes from Christie/Kristin reunion 2012

Dear Mindi

In high school I had a YW leader introduce me to the show Felicity. Her name was Mindi, and she had all four seasons on DVD, so I would spend long Saturday afternoons at her apartment watching episode after episode. I love Felicity. I love her over-sized sweaters, her blue converse, her awkwardness, her borderline stalker behavior, her infamous season two haircut, her love of Sarah McLachlan, and her endless Ben/Noel debate. My favorite over-the-top-dramatic-but-incredibly-endearing aspect of Felicity is the tapes that Felicity sends to Sally. Sally was her high school French tutor, and Felicity has never been able to talk to anyone the way she talks to Sally. So instead of writing, she records cassette tapes and sends them in the mail. She always starts her tapes "Dear Sally."

In the middle of my Senior year of high school, Mindi moved to Tehachapi, California. After Mindi left, I was really tempted to start sending her tapes, but I felt silly blatantly recreating the world of Felicity. (Or maybe I didn't have a tape recorder.) So instead, I sent her a series of "Dear Mindi" letters. Maybe it's because I've been watching My So Called Life, or because I've been listening to my nostalgia-infused playlist on the way to work, or because I'm back living in the place I grew up, but I've recently been preoccupied with my high school days. At the risk of revealing how silly and emotional I was during high school, I'm going to share a Dear Mindi letter.

Imagine that your laptop is a clunky gray desktop, put on some Sarah McLachlan, eat a pizza pocket, get out your high school yearbooks, and enjoy this lovely blast from the past.

Dear Mindi,

Tomorrow I turn 18 and in 3 weeks I graduate and in 3 months I'll be a freshman in college. I can't imagine actually being done with high school. No more 6 period days where the classes are easy, but you still feel challenged. And all your teachers know your name, and know you're a good student. No more complete lack of responsibility, and no more Mt. View. No more seeing my friends every day and soon no more Vancouver. It's sad, and overwhelming. So many things are changing and life will never be the same. I'll move on and forget a lot of my high school days, and the sad days and the memories will blur into a blob of "high school" that will seem meaningless and so long ago. And I don't know how I feel about it all. I'm excited and I hate it and I'm nervous. But most of all, I hate this limbo phase where change is looming right ahead, and I know it's coming, so everything seems bittersweet. I feel carefree, but at the same time everything is tainted with the knowledge that I know it will be over soon.

It feels like all of high school I've been waiting to get out. I've been waiting to move on and be an adult and live. And now I'm almost there, and I want to go back and be kid. I don't want to go to college. It's like passing through doors that lock right behind you. You can't go back. Maybe I have control issues. I want to be able to choose. But time kind of takes the choice away. And I know college isn't really adulthood yet. But it feels like I'm giving a lot up. And I'll have to take on a lot of new things and independence. I really thought I would act differently to all this change. I thought I would be strong and indifferent and ready for what next year will bring. But I'm the opposite. I'm going a little haywire as it all becomes real.

My life has been consistent for the past 18 years. And now I feel that after this change, more change is just going to come, and I'll constantly be saying hello and goodbye to people and things I'm a part of. I need more consistency. Life really will never be the same, and it's all work and a challenge. It's like stairs leading up higher and higher and sometimes you reach landings and can rest, but ultimately you keep climbing and climbing. You never feel like you've made it, like you can just stop. But I guess stopping would be boring, and you wouldn't learn anything if you weren't going anywhere or doing anything. It just drains the energy out of me thinking about how uphill life is, and it's not going to change. But hopefully I'll change and be better at dealing with it.

All of these realizations are things I've known in the back of my mind. But until now they haven't really affected me, and I'm starting to realize that they are really true. It's so different to have knowledge floating around in your head than it is to really know it's true from experience. I feel like I have a lot of knowledge floating in my mind, but I don't know a lot of things. Does that make sense? So I could spew advice to myself about how to deal with certain things because I know that it will all turn out for the best in the end, but I really don't know that.

I think one of the hardest parts of leaving high school behind is the feeling that I haven't changed anything or done anything with the past four years. I don't feel really sad to say goodbye to friends, but it's almost sadder to know you don't really have anyone to say goodbye to. The past two years I've been floating in and out of groups of friends, which has been fun and a lot less drama. But in the end, I don't feel any strong connection . . . I feel easily forgettable. I just hope that all the people that I will remember will remember me too. I really hope they do. All of my best friends and the teachers that I have loved and the people I had long conversations with. I just want them to remember, so it doesn't feel like it never happened.

I'm being silly and sentimental, and I don't care. I'm too many emotions right now. I just want to fast forward to next year when BYU will be home, and this will feel like a long time ago. I can't imagine walking across the stage at graduation. And that feeling of everything being so final. What was it like for you? Were you as crazy as I am now? I need to feel sane about this.

In one hour and ten minutes I'm legally an adult.

Love,
Kristin

Also: Happy Bestie Day

To honor the day, some friendship jewelry that makes me nostalgic: 

And some of my share-half-a-best-friendship-necklace friends over the years: 

Cedar Creek Grist Mill

This morning I went with some friends to the Cedar Creek Grist Mill for their annual cider press. The unwelcome sound of my alarm at 7:30am was almost enough to make me stay in bed, but I'm glad I went. Apparently this is a well-known event in the area--the place was absolutely packed with people and cars. They cleaned the apples in this fascinating contraption and then pressed them with hand presses (maybe? I don't really know, but that sounds quaint). The cider was absolutely delicious. On the way home we stopped at a small bakery that had the most amazing donuts. They rival Provo Bakery. And I don't say that lightly. Good morning.

I am Leaving Provo

Well, this is it. After 7 years in Provo I'm finally leaving. Today is my last day working at the Internship Office, which might be the weirdest part  since I've probably spent more time at the Internship Office over the past three years than at my apartment. Part of me is intensely weirded out by the thought of leaving Provo for good (this is to be expected because I generally don't handle change well), but a larger part of me is finally ready to move on. After 6 different apartments, 7 wards, 21 roommates, 8 intramural teams, 6 jobs, 4 international trips, including 2 study abroad programs, teaching 6 classes, taking 72 courses, and earning 2 degrees, I think it's time. So, tomorrow morning I'm waking up, packing up my Jeep, and driving north up I-15 bound for Vancouver, Washington. To be sufficiently sappy and nostalgic as I prepare to leave, here is a list of the top 10 things I'll miss about Provo.

• Provo bakery donuts. Specifically, the buttermilk bars, the maple bars, and the cake donuts. My life will never be the same. 
• Frozen yogurt establishments on every corner. Cake batter frozen yogurt. Delicious. 
• The dollar theater. How can I ever go back to paying more than $1.25 for a movie?
• Watching TV, daily chats, and trying new places to eat with Elisa. Gilmore Girls, Felicity, Bachelorette, Project Runway, 30 Rock, Parks and Rec, Gossip Girl, So You Think You Can Dance. The list goes on.
• Living in the same city as 50% of my siblings. Especially living and working with Kim for the past year. 
• Chatting with program people in the carrels. Especially Vilja, Dave, Jack, Meridith, Elise, and Jen.
• The JFSB. Prettiest building on BYU campus.
• The Internship Office. Especially Adrienne--I'm pretty sure she's the best boss that I will ever have. 
• The chance to run into someone I know. Like running into Kristina from freshman year last week. Or students from past semesters. 
• Christie. I know Christie moved a year ago, but I still associate Provo with being friends with her. 

Au Revoir!

La vie est tres difficile

Well, my Ann Arbor/Boston/Cape Cod trip was a huge success. This was my first extensive trip in the US that involved multiple hotel reservations and a car rental, so I was a little nervous about it all coming together, but it was magical. I spent about five days in Ann Arbor staying at Christie's house. We went to the movies, the farmer's market, canoeing, to various church activities and social gatherings, watched Gilmore Girls, and took a ferry to Put-in-Bay, which is an island in Ohio where we rented golf carts and rode around the island all day. Second leg of the trip was two days in Boston. We flew into Boston Thursday night and spent all day Friday and Saturday morning in downtown Boston. Boston was incredibly beautiful--it's a really walkable city with great public transportation (we were able to take the subway from the airport to our hotel and were able to walk everywhere we wanted to go). We ate delicious food, toured the freedom trail, shopped at various old book shops, walked through Boston Common, walked through old cemeteries, went to the harbor, saw the traveling broadway tour of West Side Story, went to a photography gallery, and toured Fenway Park. It was beautiful weather almost the whole time (minus some rain here and there). Saturday afternoon we made our way back to the airport to rent our car. With a zippy Ford Focus at our disposal we drove North to Concord to tour Louisa May Alcott's house. We were both starving and tired during our tour and our tour guide was crazy, but in retrospect I really loved the tour and the house. Definitely worth the drive. After an emergency stop at McDonald's, we drove two hours to our classy Travelodge in Cape Cod. After our 3 1/2-star Sheraton in downtown boston, the down-grade to a 2-star Travelodge was a little bit of a shock, but we survived. Sunday we found the Brewster branch and enjoyed an interesting sacrament meeting with highlights including Alec Baldwin and Sarah Palin's genealogy. Sunday afternoon we drove to Providence, Rhode Island and walked around Brown University, which is a lovely campus, and then spent Sunday night walking around the beach near our Travelodge. Monday we took the ferry to Martha's Vineyard and spent the day wandering along the beach, Main Street, and through the conglomeration of gingerbread cottages. Tuesday we were pretty exhausted from a week and a half of being in vacation mode, so we spent a couple hours on the beach in the morning and rented bikes in the afternoon and rode along a trail through some beautiful ponds. Tuesday night we took our last evening trip to the beach--I was so sad to leave. Wednesday we left our trusty Travelodge at 7:30am and made our way back to Boston to return our car and spend the day travelling back home. I finally made it back to Provo at 9:30pm (11:30 EST), completely exhausted. Overall, it was a fantastic trip. I'm really sad to be giving up my life as a student soon--you can't beat the flexibility of the academic schedule. Below are some pictures from the trip.

 Christie and I on the ferry to Put-in-Bay.


In front of a carousel on Put-in-Bay (yes, we actually rode it).


The swan boats at Boston Common.


Boston Harbor.


Fenway Park.


Fenway Park.


Fenway Park.


Louisa May Alcott's House.


Brown University.


Cape Cod.


Cape Cod.


Cape Cod.


Martha's Vineyard.


Ferry to Martha's Vineyard.


Martha's Vineyard.


Beautiful houses on Martha's Vineyard.


Gingerbread cottages on Martha's Vineyard.


Final sunset in Cape Cod.